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Suicide: “I’m a survivor” – Here is my Story

They say, there’s always light at the end of the tunnel but it can be sometimes so obscure that you never think you will see the end of the tunnel, let alone see the light.

When you are in the tunnel, it feels like the whole world is closing in on you, and that respite will never come. You feel alone and utterly hopeless, and wish the light promised at the end of the tunnel could at least shine a bit inside the tunnel for you to find your way. And when this doesn’t happen, you feel like your life is worthless.

In the morning of July 17th 2017, I was full of excitement and was motivated to make the most of my day. I worked as the second assistant editor-in-chief in a reputable printing press in the metropolitan city where I live. It was a really tasking job because we had lots of patronage, and I was managing major accounts. I wasn’t doing badly with my choice of career, and I was eagerly looking forward to consummating my marriage with my new found love that same year.

I got to work that beautiful morning and got straight into a board meeting. We just had a new Executive Director about a week ago; he seemed nice, in his late forties maybe. He spoke to us so zealously and confidently as he talked about rebranding, downsizing, increasing revenue and what have you. At some point, I lost interest in all that was being said, and I felt so bored that I wanted to be excused.

Suddenly, I heard him screamed out my name, “Elizabeth, are you with us? “I’m right with you sir”, I retorted with a grim expression. He looked unsatisfied with my response but he continued. “As I was saying, the management has decided that owing to the stiff economy, we shall be laying off all second assistants and a few of other positions in the company.”

“I am sorry to have to be the carrier of this bad news, but I understand that this is a decision that’s critical for the future of this company. However, if everything bounces back, we might reconsider recalling you, he added.” Immediately, my head started spinning, and I felt like screaming. Then I thought to myself was it getting fired in public that devastated me or that my years of hard work and sacrifices was never enough to give me a permanent position in the company?

I was irate by this announcement, and in a jiffy my moral dropped to zero and I felt very empty. As I was walking to my office to clear my desk, I passed out, and was rushed to the hospital. When I eventually woke up after several hours, I called for the Doctor who told me what had happened, and that I was so fortunate to be back to life. He smiled at me and said, “Congratulations Elizabeth!”

“Why on earth did I wake up from the comma”, I had thought. Doctor, you sure don’t know that I just lost my job. What is it to congratulate me for, Doctor? I’m miserable right now, I can’t deal!” I busted into tears. The Doctor came close to me, held my hand and said, Elizabeth, you will get a new job soon; but right now you need to celebrate your three weeks old pregnancy, you are pregnant!”

Preg what, I screamed! No Doctor, it is not possible! How? I had begun to feel agitated when my fiancé came in. I quickly wiped my tears and introduce Peter to the Doctor. Doctor, here is Peter my fiancé. They both exchanged greetings and the Doctor congratulated him, and excused us.

“Congratulations darling! I’m grateful to God that you are alive and well”, he said. Peter looked into my eyes, and I got so scared and confused if I should break the news to him or not. I summoned up courage and did, and I got the shock of my life. “Hell No! Pregnant for me? You must be joking. For your information, I am married with two kids, and my family is in the UK. I won’t leave my family for you girl! How come you got pregnant without us agreeing? Wait a minute, how am I even sure you are pregnant for me? Damn it! Then he walked away.

Alas, I lost my job and my relationship in one day. My parents had warned me that I couldn’t have child out of wedlock because it would tarnish their image. It was all happening so fast. What did I ever do wrong? How did I get into this terrible tunnel by the way? Then, I thought, I can’t bring a child into this world alone, no job to survive, no parents to help. I just would end my life, I concluded.

That sounded like the perfect plan, I thought. I was in my apartment ready to die on the 29th of July 2017. I had mixed acid with sniper; I didn’t quite know how this would go down but I knew that the end was definitely death, painful gruesome death. I decided not to write a note because I didn’t want to give an idea to anyone especially my parents why I committed suicide. For me it was the only option to save me from shame and further frustrations.

It was a knock on the door that held me from drinking the poison. I was furious at the interception. Who could that be, I queried. “Who is there?” I stuttered? “Delivery man”, he said. “I didn’t order anything, you’ve got the wrong flat, maybe you’re going to the one opposite or upstairs”, I exclaimed.  “No, I’m at the right place, Miss Elizabeth, this package is for you”, he insisted. Just drop it at the door, I’ll pick it later I replied. “I’d have loved to but you need to sign the delivery note, ma”, He replied. At this point, I was weak and hated myself the more.

For several days, my room had been dingy and dull. I had the entire curtain closed and all doors shut while I attempted suicide. I felt like I was in a dark tunnel but I shut my heart to hope and was ready to end it somehow. It was the moment I opened the door to collect the parcel that I felt the brightness of the day. The Sun shined brightly and the sky was blue. As I stepped out of the door for the first time after three days, I felt hope had being waiting at the door for me.

Like never before, I felt convinced that life was beautiful. The dispatch rider smiled at me and made funny comments about me that got me kind of excited. It wasn’t about his look, but about the hope he radiated, the joy he enthused in spite of his position. At that point, I felt I should give life a chance. As I watched the dispatch rider ride off, I was full of smiles and my hope was rekindled.

As I got back into the room, I opened all the curtains and light flooded my room. Then I recalled the words of this song, “All Things Bright And Beautiful.” I browsed my phone and sang these words:

All things bright and beautiful,

All creatures’ great and small,

All things wise and wonderful,

The Lord God made them all.

 

Each little flow’r that opens,

Each little bird that sings,

He made their glowing colors,

He made their tiny wings:

The cold wind in the winter,

The pleasant summer sun,

The ripe fruits in the garden,

He made them ev’ry one:

 

There is a wise creator behind the creation. He is God! He made us and put us here on earth to fill a unique position. You are not an evolution freak, God made you for a purpose and he is not going to abandon you no matter what betides. Because we have an adversary—the devil, God has given us all that we need for life and godliness. He has given us victory over this world, and this victory is only possible if we allow him lead  us.

For every trials and temptation, he has made a way of escape. We need to acknowledge God in all our ways and he will make our path straight. Your life is a gift from God, and another cannot fill your place in this life. Therefore, you have to celebrate you, and when you are challenged, don’t give in to depression or suicide. There is beauty in every phase of life, so celebrate your beautiful life instead of despair.

I’m a suicide survivor. No matter what you’re going through today, it’s not enough for you to take your own life, it’s the best of gift from God, and we ought to cherish and live for God’s pleasure.

 

Mark Ibigbami

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